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Kruel's Rules   
10:47pm 02/07/2016
Was going to post this in the BNC Conference Call Team channel on slack (I am team leader) but it seems kind of snotty, so I will post it here instead.

So, looking at some of the "documentation" I've made so far (e.g. the madhouse of CC Schedule), there are some idiosyncrasies that I use, and it may make things easier on the team if I explain them. So, here are Kruel's Rules:
1) If the font for something is grey, that information may be inaccurate.
2) If something is struck out, that means it is currently inaccurate - e.g. something we used to do but don't anymore. I like to keep past techniques in my docs even after we've stopped using them. (Those who forget the past...)
3) If something is parentheses, it may be unconfirmed or undecided*. Also, it usually means I'm not sure what to do - so, if it seems like a question or a problem, and you have an idea about how to solve it, please comment.
4) If the background of an empty cell is gray, that means it has formulas in it and will auto-populate when you do something else, so don't touch it. :D
5) I really like colors and will try to implement their use for organizational purposes at every opportunity.
6) Puns are great. "Kruel's Rules" isn't really a thing, but it sounds funny
7) I love spreadsheets and especially formulas and conditional formatting. I will continue to try to make all of our lives easier by creating shortcuts in our spreadsheets.
OK, I'm realizing it's probably time for bed, so good night :D :D
*The 'uncertain parentheses' technique is something I use everywhere, but I find it especially useful in writing, so I am offering this up as a personal suggestion: when I can't think of the right word, I will try to think of two or three that are close and put them in parentheses so I can come back and figure out the word later instead of spending hours trying to think of it and forgetting that I was actually trying to finish writing something. E.g. "He needed to make (amends/reparations/redress) after losing his sister's hamster."


letter to mom   
11:37pm 18/05/2016
  This is the project I am working on now, it's called Brand New Congress.
One of the founders Saikat was on Rachel Maddow tonight!
I am not in a leadership role (yet!) but I'm the one that caught the email from Maddow's staff and got it up the line...
Someone else was supposed to be paying attention to the emails but was not, so if I hadn't caught it it may have gone unnoticed for a week and then who knows if we'd even have made it on.
I don't know. I'm having a hard time but it's because I'm trying to help all the time.
The other thing I realized is the whole "show your work" thing, like in Math.
I don't know if you remember this (or if they even still do this anymore) but they always tell you to show your work in math - having the right answer isn't enough, you have to show how you got to that answer.
So what I need to do is show my work. It comes across as me being nosy or "going out of my lane" (this is the one I get yelled at about the most) because I'm not making clear my intent - so I may be trying to help or something but maybe it comes off as condescending.
Stuff. Always stuff to work on.
Love you!
Hope France is fun! Send photos!


After the conference call tonight:   
11:18pm 28/12/2015
  custom registration fields & big wall calendar. those are the ideas that impressed Zack.  


11:51pm 08/08/2015
  I feel bad for not writing in forever. I don't even remember the last time I wrote.

I'm writing tonight because of something I just realized.
I was proud of something and wanted to tell someone. 2 days later I found myself thinking "what does it mean that I sent this to my therapist and didn't even think to send it to my mom?"

Anyway. Here's the article.

Basically, Monday I organized /started/whatever'd a campaign to have s bunch of people contact the news. They did. The NPR above actually did an article linking to the post I made in reddit.

Oh god. Too tired to function. Night night b


04:38pm 14/04/2015
  Finished "the Men Who Stare At Goats" & "Psycho"

I was surprised by Psycho, obviously it went into more depth than the movies did, (and yes, I liked the Gus Van Sant remake with Vince Vaughn, Anne Heche, William H. Macy, Julianne Moore, Viggo Mortensen, and Philip Baker Hall. Also I think PBH's wife was played by the woman who checked in on Robin Williams' apartment in "Mrs. Doubtfire." And I remember this without looking anything up.) (how do you transition out of a parenthetical note that long?)
... Talking about Norman's interest in psychology and the occult. Apparently he knew he had some form of schizophrenia. Also I love the idea that he talked to his mom about an Oedipus complex.

TMWSAG was interesting, but I find it really hard to know what's real and what isn't, so that was a detractor.

Tired as fuck. Cya


key west stories    
04:43am 20/03/2015
  Here's an interesting story that I want to write before I forget it. Earlier tonight mom Jesse and I went to go see the musical spam a lot at the waterfront

As I was coming home I went to an ATM and then on my way back I tripped and fell next to the alley by Onlywood pizza. I looked around to see if I had dropped anything but didn't see anything so I got up and kept walking home. A few hours later I ended up back in that same alley with my sister and Martha & Emile, and I noticed something on the ground I look down picked it up and it was a ticket for Spamalot. I thought it was funny that someone else had dropped their ticket right there but when I looked it was the same seat that I have been sitting in. It was the ticket I dropped unknowingLy earlier.



Wednesday night crunch.    
12:26am 05/03/2015
  I am going to get my shit together.  


Just a quick note   
08:09pm 28/11/2014

Got to have my favorite conversation with mom tonight: "You can't have children - I mean physically yes, but you couldn't take care of them, so I really think you should get a dog."



Boston baked beans.    
12:40am 22/06/2014

I picked up some BBB today, and suddenly I hve a memory of some period in my life when I used to have a bag of them on my bed, and when I'd wake up in the night I'd grab a few to munch... I'm thinking this is when I was living with Dayna in 2008, but I'm not sure. Regardless. Just a weird thing I remembered. Not relevant to my life at present, but I'd forgotten it completely. I knew I'd liked them in the past, but then suddenly I got that memory of when I was going through a bag or two a week :-/
It got to be a problem and I don't know how it ended... maybe they stopped being on sale or I moved out or something. Anyway.
I'm gonna try not to let this turn into a BBB relapse. I got one small box. That's it. ... for now.



03:18am 19/05/2014

Cantaloupe antelope.



09:04pm 30/03/2014

When I close my eyes to blink it's like... I don't want to open them back up because it's too exhausting to deal with a reality this painful.


(1 bone | jump)

Really depressed   
11:21pm 08/03/2014

It's just kind of a state now. Like I give up on thoughts in my head before I even let myself think them - I don't let myself think, that's the thing. Because as awful as I feel now, if I thought, if I let my mind wander, I'd really sink into the black hole of misery... as it is now, I just make myself move to the next topic... Step on each tile once, but move again quickly because 3 seconds after you land the tile will vanish under your feet and you'll fall into the void.
Or would there not be gravity in a void?



I am really sad   
10:31pm 04/03/2014

and I don't feel much like putting in the effort to make myself happy.
I'm caught up in math, thank god.
Still have the essay to do for English. I've probably got twice as much in notes as I will end up actually turning in, but for some reason I can't make my brain string things together properly.
Actually, it's been like this all day. Just... Thinking stuff. Like, talking, I've had a hard time (god dammit I just remembered the word I was trying to think of earlier - embellishments. All I could come up with was accoutrements.) figuring out how to say what I want to say.
Oddly enough I haven't had a problem with talking, I just have a feeling half of the time I'm making no sense.
Like, if I am in the middle of a sentence answering a question for a customer, I can't just pause for however long it takes me to recall the word "embellishment". Even if I did, by the time I came up with that word I'd forget everything I'd said leading up to it, and what I was trying to get across, etcetera.

I got a good one on Ken today:
I guess it's good, I think I was upset that you were having fun with other people instead of me, but it looks like that's not the case.

Because his new lady is making him go to church (among other things). I guess that's the thing... I almost never MADE Ken do shit with me (hey do you wanna ___ with me? If you don't that's fine, you don't have to.) so we never did anything. I guess what she's doing is ... Forcing self-discipline on someone else? hard to say.
The only stuff I ever "made" him do was to go to the Breeders show with me in September... I think there was something else, but I can't recall. Mostly I was just trying to get him to do the things he'd already promised to do. Sigh

Anyway. It's cold again so I've got the oven on. My apartment is so tiny. I like it though. The ceilings are way too high though. Top rung of the stepstool and I can't reach within a foot of the ceiling. Oh well. Fuck it's cold.

Evelyn from work got me groceries because I was whining about how the only food I had was oatmeal... she told me she got the stuff at the store, but it doesn't make sense (to me) that if you were concerned about someone not being able to afford food, you would buy them things like Seasoned Salt and Italian Spice Mix. Non-instant rice. Granulated sugar. Who knows. I need to be grateful but I just looked in the bag and could see myself, eleven months into the future: I'm frantically trying to clean the kitchen and thinking "god why do I have so much crap... I know this is still good but I'm never going to eat it but I feel bad throwing it away."
Well, it's like that now except I'm not cleaning anything.
Christ on a cracker it is freezing. I had a digital thermometer (indoor) but dropped it a week ago and it broke. So now I feel cold all the time but -since it's me- I don't trust my senses (or my brain's translation of their data) and I think that maybe the air really is cold, or maybe I'm just crazy. That's me with everything.
Alright. Time to stop procrasturbating.



The thing in my mind now...   
12:47am 20/02/2014

... is that he was gone for a long time, but now he's dead and gone, and there's a difference, and I don't understand it yet.
My thought is... I remember the dad I loved (like our family's trip to NYC in 1999), and I feel like I lost that dad a long time ago - and I did, but in a sense, he was still around. Like a ... well, what comes into my mind is "an old, passed-down TV set that doesn't work and is huge and heavy but you'd feel bad throwing it away."
That's pretty horrible, I guess.

Beck's new album is kind of a disappointment. I put it on and was like "Oh, sea change... great."
And apparently that was intentional. But I don't know. I've only listened to it once.
I remember when Mutations came out and my dad took me to the Library Ltd. (basically a huge Borders-style book & media & coffee store)(If it hadn't already changed to a Borders at that point) before school on the release day so I could get it fresh. I had only had about 10 minutes time to listen to it in the car before I got to school, but it was worth it (see track 2- Tropicalia).
When we were in NYC the next year he made sure to take me to the Virgin Megastore so I could get Midnite Vultures when it came out- November 17, 1999. The day before, my dad's cousin's wife teased me saying Beck was doing a signing there at midnight. I don't know why she said that. I hope it was really funny to her to see me get excited then have my hopes killed and laughed at. Looking back, it bothered me because she was in the back seat of the car with the 'kids' (us) but she 'betrayed' me like that and I just didn't understand it. I still don't. But other than that, I have only fond memories of Tammy. 1999 was a good thanksgiving at their house. (Misplaced modifier?)
Also, Jessie supposedly saw dad a few weeks ago and he recognized her and hugged her. When I saw him 9 months ago he couldn't even lift his head to look let alone hug me. And a previous me would be bitter or jealous or envious or indignant that she got 'lucky' there, but I see now there's no point. We each got a chance to say goodbye to dad. That's the important thing.
God. It's just so weird, though.



Dad's dead   
07:42pm 16/02/2014

Not unexpected, but not welcome either.
I'm not feeling anything yet.
Listening to Njonavelin


(1 bone | jump)

this made me laugh and feel better.   
11:26pm 12/01/2014
  Ken and I broke up. He is taking it better than I expected, and I am taking it worse than I expected.

an old reddit funny post but it really cracked me up


Right now    
06:08pm 16/08/2013

Ken and I are watching "Drive" (yhe movie)
I love it so far. Very visually stimulating.

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A letter   
10:04pm 08/06/2013

Language does this to our memories - simplifies, solidifies, codifies, mummifies. And oft-told story is like a photograph in a family album; eventually, it replaces the moment it was meant to capture."

This is from her new book, "We Are All Beside Ourselves". I've only just started but I like it so far, and that line was so poetic I just had to send it to you. Honestly, I can't read it now without hearing it in Martha's voice - which is a good thing!
It's an interesting concept, and it really makes me wonder how people would think without language. I think in words, and I'm pretty sure I always have, so wordless thought seems alien to me.

I've had some trouble lately though, as I started learning a second foreign language - German. I learned French about 10 years ago and I guess my mind didn't think of it as being "French" so much as being "not English", so now learning another language has me mixed up - I know I'm supposed to answer in "not English", but now it's more specific, and I sometimes struggle. I will mentally start a sentence in German and when I can't think of the German words I instinctively fill it in with French. When grasping for the German words that aren't on that top shelf in my mind, French filler feels more appropriate than English, since at least French is not my first language. When I was learning French and I didn't know something, my mind would instantly fill in the blanks with English words, so it's weird now that I have to "think" about it- kinda like I had gotten the rhythm of juggling 2 balls and suddenly I've been thrown a third. I imagine this is probably standard with people learning a third language (supposing they grew up speaking only one language).
Also, do you know if other multi-lingual people experience I call "delayed hearing"? Very frequently someone will say something, I won't hear it/understand it, so I ask them to repeat it but soon I discover that somehow I have deciphered their previous speech before they can open their mouths to say it again. My thought is that maybe since I know more than one language, my mind needs a second to figure out which set of words I should to draw from to comprehend the other person. Who knows?!

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well.
I'm a bit behind on the show, but am thinking of you as always!


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It's easier to play keep-up than catch-up.   
11:06pm 21/03/2013


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Re: Teen STD billboard.   
11:34am 10/02/2013
  There is this ... thing going around town putting up billboards that say things like "1 in 4 Teen Girls has an STD!" - their website is MyBodyMyFuture.com (ugh) so I commented on one of those posts. Here is the link to their post with my comment.

My Body My Future Takes Its Message To The Streets

In case they delete it, here is what I wrote.

Your billboards state "1 in 4 teen girls has an STD".
This website then gives the statistic "1 in 4 sexually active teens has an STD". Well, which is it? Where did you get this statistic? If the "fact" on the website is true, why blame only girls on the billboard if it's ALL teens who fall into that category?

Not to mention, 1 in 4 SEXUALLY ACTIVE teens is obviously very different than 1 in 4 teens OVERALL. I do see that there was a CDC study 5 years ago that gave the "1 in 4 teen girls" statistic, but pregnancy & STD prevention in teens is still an emerging issue, and it's hardly likely that data collected 5 years ago is accurate. Additionally, some STDs are treated and cured quickly and easily with antibiotics. Mary Jane may have had gotten Gonorrhea in June, but if she got it taken care of in July, then she's clean in August and no longer "has" an STD.

Why don't you show us how the KAPPI & the Knox County Health Department's efforts have changed things? You could post information on teen STD rates in Knoxville over the years - KAPPI has been around since 1991, so why not share the available data? When I visited the Knox County Health Department last year, they doled out birth control pills & condoms like candy. Regardless of whether or not this has had an effect, KCHD has the records and statistics, so let's see them!

I heartily support the prevention of unplanned pregnancy and STDs in both teens AND adults, but I think the main key to doing this is information and education. The fact that your program's data is out-of-date and unsourced makes this organization's efforts seem careless and surely inhibits its effectiveness. Would you trust an organization intent on getting out "THE FACTS" without verifying their accuracy & citing the information?

It's possible that your statistics are correct, but my research yielded no recent data verifying any of your numbers. If your data are current & accurate, by all means, share the reputable sources used and I'll be happy to support of this organization. But until then, the veracity of your claims rests on shaky grounds.

For now, I think that you may be "enhancing" these statistics to scare teens out of having sex. Fear is a powerful motivator, but for the Knox County Health Department to disseminate (no pun intended) misleading information is questionable at the least.

I'm disappointed that a government agency (which aims for benevolence) would start a campaign like this without carefully confirming -and, more importantly, citing- the "facts" being flashed around the city.